There are moments where I am having trouble living up to my new name. The Joy comes in pockets, rather than being my general demeanor. Pressures of this life, and the crushing consequences of choices made in desperation leave us feeling like we are close to drowning. Treading water and rapidly losing energy.
My emotions are all so close to the surface — and they are all coming out in tears. Beautiful moments of humanity witness? Kleenex, please. My boys arguing about imagined slights and things that do not matter? Tears of frustration and sadness. Realizing that I am paralyzed by fear, and that I am choosing disobedience — pretending it is something different because of that fear? Outright sobbing.
There are three songs that are the soundtrack of my life right now. And without fail, they help remind me what is important, that I am still loved, and that I have not been forgotten. Every time one of them comes on the radio, there is healing. There is hope. These three songs are everything that I aspire to be as a person, and as a songwriter.
Maybe It’s Ok, by We are Messengers
This song heals me in so many ways. Because even though I KNOW He has held me through all of it — through the death of my career in education, and the loss of my grandfather, it’s okay that I am still struggling — even though I feel like I should have it all together.
Scars, by I Am They
I will get to a place where I can be thankful for everything that has happened. I may be there already, even in the midst of whatever I am feeling now. I know that I have grown in many ways since everything has happened, and I know that I experience joy and laughter on the regular. But it in the absence, I can tell that something is wrong.
And I think that it all boils down to fear. With the way that Christians attack each other on social media, it’s no wonder. A Christian artist gets criticized by the world for their message, and by the church for any perceived mistake. In interviews with mainstream outlets, hot button questions are asked — and no one is happy. Why do we attack our own? Why can’t we support the people who are bringing music filled with truths about God, hope and what life is really about — instead of understanding that God is leading them — and it’s not our business or our place to criticize or judge.
But this song, Only Jesus, by Casting Crowns, reminds me what it is all about and gives me the hope, and courage to keep going.
Even through the fear.
And just like that, I am no longer crushed by the sadness. Once again these songs have helped me remember whose I am, and what that means.
Maybe some day one of my songs will help someone else. 
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